To All the College Kids

It's July 16th. I am sitting in a cozy living room in Woodstock, Georgia. The sound of Mario Cart and little children's laughter has been floating through my parent's cool home for quite some time now. I'm sipping on lightly sweetened iced coffee with soy milk. I am truly at peace for the first time in a long time.

For the past year of my life I have been pulled in a million different directions. As a college student approaching my Junior year life has been nothing but a rush of "what's next?" I think one of the hardest parts of being in college is the endless amount of questions that seem to drown out all sense and fill the soul with fear. 

- - - Lord, what do you want from me? What does my future look like? What is my purpose? Am I truly living for you? Why do I feel this way? Jesus, is he the man you have for me? - - -

The only issue I have found with these questions is that my mind does not rest there. I cannot help but press on further and further asking:

- - - What is wrong with me? Am I enough? Why am I experiencing so much stress and anxiety?  Do you really have a plan for my future? Have you abandoned me? Are you really a good Father? Jesus, are you even there? - - -

It didn't occur to me until this past week over a mission trip to Florida, that I have been living in the midst of this entangled web of questions and lies. I am a firm believer that it is good to question, it is good to doubt and wrestle with the concerns in your heart; but living, setting up camp, in this place of darkness is a very scary thing to do. You see, my heart has always been full of much joy. My Savior captured my heart at a young age, and I have been set free from the sin and shame that this world so prettily packages. However, since I have been in college I have done nothing but wonder why in the world I am experiencing so much confusion and fear. While everyone around me seems like their lives are right on track, I feel as if I've been walking for miles and miles only to find that, this whole time, I've been walking in circles. College was supposed to be a time where I found myself, why in the world does it feel like I experienced more growth and satisfaction in who I am in high school? Am I doing something wrong?

If you feel like this, I want to let you in on a secret, the answer is no. You are not doing anything wrong.

Like I stated earlier, this past week I went on a mission trip to Plant City, Florida. It was a 5th & 6th grade trip, and I was a leader. The entire week I was truly and honestly intentional with asking the Lord, "Lord, why am I here?" Throughout my time there, Jesus revealed to me that He delights in me. He is not worried about my questions, He is bigger than my fears. He showed me that the place of darkness that I have been living in was never intended to be my home. It wasn't He who abandoned me in what felt like the "valley of the shadow of death;" instead, it was I who insisted on dwelling there for so long.

The amazing thing about Jesus is that even when we choose our own path, He is faithful to "never leave or forsake us" (Duet. 31:6). When you are on the other side of destruction it is easy to look back and see the little rays of hope scattered throughout the wreckage. I pray that the Lord will teach me how to see hope in the midst of destruction. I pray that in the middle of every storm my eyes would be fixed on Jesus, in order that I might never again forget that He has called me to more than myself. 

1st Peter 2:9 says this, "you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light."

How amazing. How life-changing. Jesus doesn't leave us in darkness; He himself  literally calls us out of it.

Please do not hear me saying that what you are personally walking through is not hard and does not matter. I am not trying to make light of doubt, fear, broken-heartedness, or any other painful life situations. But please, PLEASE, do not believe that anyone of these places are where the Lord intends for us to reside.

So continue to question, continue to ask the Lord to reveal to you His purpose, but do NOT for even a second forget that He is faithful and true. The Scriptures continuously tell us to "knock, seek, call" upon His name. He is committed to us, we must not forget to daily commit to Him.

If you are a college student reading this post, know that you are NOT crazy, life is confusing, and you couldn't have begun to imagine just how emotionally hard college would be until you were thrown into the middle of it and told to keep up. Whether or not you think so, you are doing very well, and you are both precious and so loved by our Maker,

One last thing I must ask of you is to stop comparing yourself to those around you. My sweet mother always says, "where comparison starts contentment ends," and she is right. You have been called to live a completely different life than any other. And that is a great call, indeed.

Truly,
Nicole Renee