Four Things I've Decided

Wow. Hey. I forgot how much I loved to write for a second.

Yesterday was the first day of Junior year of college, and yes, I successfully made it through without having a breakdown. I have been so busy these past few days; however, despite the craziness, I have been full of such an indescribable peace.

In light of a new year I have been thinking about the idea of college, and I have come to a very absolute conclusion: the concept of college is so strange to me. You spend your whole life living under the watchful eyes of your parents, and then one day they drive you to a place where you may or may not know anybody or have ever been. They hug you, unload your things, shed some tears, and then they get back in the car and drive away without you, back to a house that is no longer yours. After living 18 years, your entire life up until this point, you are now on your own (at least, that's how it went for me). I don't understand whose bright idea this was and how he got everyone on board. Don't get me wrong, I love college. Actually, I adore it. But is this concept strange to anyone else? I mean, it can't just be me who thinks this is weird. Anyway, that being said, I want to mention a few things I've learned since being submersed in this strange, temporary, adult making culture.

1. It is impossible to know how you will react in a situation until you are the one in it.

In high school it is so easy to judge people who seemed to be making stupid decisions (don' get me wrong, it's also easy in college); however, as life starts happening you realize just how much life you haven't lived, how many experiences you haven't had, and how little you actually know about other people's lives. Since being in college I have begun to more clearly understand why people make the decisions they do. Something that seemed so objective before now seems completely dependent on the context of the situation. I think what I stated before about living your whole life at home has a lot to do with this. You see, your parents raised you. They taught you lessons they thought were important, disciplined you how they saw fit, and encouraged you to believe what they believe. As a child you don't have too much say in how things work, which makes sense because, news flash: you're not the parent. However, once you are no longer under your parent's roof, you are no longer surrounded by the same beliefs they held. Now i'm not saying your parents are crazy and everything they say is wrong. In fact, my parents are extremely wise and most things they say end up being right even if I don't want them to be. What I am saying is that until you are on your own it is easy to judge other people's decisions based solely on what you have been taught to be true instead of seeing that circumstances bring out what is in the heart, and if you had to walk through something someone else was struggling with you very well may have chosen the same response.

2. You could walk around with someone you never ever talk to and then one day both realize you should be best friends.

Friendships in college are so, SO strange. They are so different than any other friendship experienced elsewhere. I'm a junior this year, and there are people I am just now realizing are awesome, incredible human beings that I have been in class with literally every semester. Also, something that I wish I knew before coming to college is that who you are friends with one semester may not be who you are friends with the next. Class, work, and life schedules are CONSTANTLY changing. My two best friends  transferred out after my freshman year. During my sophomore year I had to literally re-discover a friend group. At the time I felt like my world was falling apart, but now I realize that this is just how college works. People live their own lives, make their own decisions, and are walking toward their own goals. Sometimes the people you are friends with are the people closest to you, like literally in your proximity. Sometimes it's people you would have never expected, and all the time it takes good communication. Also, let me just free up an uptight soul right now by saying that you don't have to be best friends with everyone, that's not possible.

3. Do not, under any circumstance, make a big life decision based on other people's feelings. 

My freshman year of college I had ZERO boundaries. In fact, I honestly didn't even know what boundaries were, or that it was okay to have them. Looking back there were so many times I made decisions based on the reaction I would get or the emotional state of others. If someone was sad I would do absolutely anything to make them happy, even at the expense of my emotional stability. If someone asked me to do something because they were to overwhelmed I would say yes. Even if I didn't want to do something but felt bad for the other person I would do it just to keep them happy. Let me help you out by telling you this incredibly wise piece of advice: DON'T DO IT. It took me a long time to realize that my emotional well-being is just as important as those around me. If I am constantly looking out for other people's emotions and forgetting my own I am guaranteed to burnout FAST. The reason it was so hard for me to take care of my self, and perhaps it's this way for you too, is because so often in Christian culture it is almost looked down upon to care for yourself above others. Don't get me wrong, there is a fine line between being selfish and practicing self-care; however, if you are not making sure you are taking care of yourself first there is NO way you will be able to help others AND be healthy for any significant amount of time. In fact, in Matthew 22:39 we are told to "love your neighbor as yourself." In order to love your neighbor as yourself you better love yourself SO well. Do yourself a favor, pay attention to what you are feeling and do something about it, practice the beautiful art of saying, "no," and for goodness sake DON'T let someone else's emotional state sway you to make a decision you will regret later. Whether its declining a stressful job position, not helping someone with homework because you have your own, or postponing a conversation with someone because you really need to sleep, learn how to say NO. After all, boundaries are a girls best friend.

4. Follow the rules and stop complaining.

Even if curfew is annoying, quiet hour is lame, and you can't wear skirts above your ankles (okay, I would question that one) follow the rules and do not complain. I understand that some rules seem pointless or counterproductive; however, complaining about them will do NOTHING. If you feel the need to voice your frustrations (professionally and nicely) to someone who has the ability to create change, by all means, do it! But constantly complaining to others about how annoying the rules are fosters a negative atmosphere that, after a while, no one wants to be a part of. So do yourself a favor and keep your negative comments to yourself. Also, in regard to the first part this point, follow the rules, because people are watching you. It always shocks me whenever people know my name, what my major is, who my friends are, approach me with some comment about how they've been watching me and tell me they are "oh so proud of who you've become" or something like that. I mean, when I think about how many hours a day I spend watching people I really shouldn't be surprised. Somehow, though, it shocks me every time. That being said, following the rules, or not following them, is extremely noticeable whether you think so or not. Trust me, and since being an RA I know this first hand, people who think they are being sneaky with their rule breaking will come to me for recommendations, and I have definitely written some pretty rough recommendations before. So, for your own good, follow the rules and don't complain. I promise it will be to your advantage later.

Don't get me wrong, there are countless other lessons that I have learned in college; these are just a very small few that impacted me greatly, because I had to learn them the hard way. I hope that whatever stage of life you're in you will lean in to what the Lord has for you and trust that His voice is the most important.

XO.

An Open Letter to Girls Who Struggle With Pornography

**But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9**

I'm sorry. Not that you struggle with viewing pornography, although for that I am deeply sorry, too. No, instead, i'm sorry for the countless people who choose to walk blindly declaring that "only guys struggle with lust." I'm sorry for the endless amount of confused looks you receive from people you finally trust enough to share your struggle with.  I'm sorry for the parents, pastors, and teachers who continue to take you aside from the group so that the boys can talk about lust while the girls are left to figure out how to better dress in order to keep our Christian brothers from stumbling. I'm sorry no one took the time to explain to you God's perfect plan for sex.

I'm also sorry that everywhere you look is yet another half naked person, male and female. That both social media and TV are constantly full of inappropriate portrayals of woman being objectified instead of treated as the precious treasures the Lord intended us to be. I'm sorry that you feel lonely, confused, and dirty. That you feel like less than the beautiful and strong woman you were made to be, and that you feel as if no one in this world understands what you are going through. I'm sorry that sometimes you feel like something is wrong with you. I'm sorry that I took so long to write this.

Trust me, I know how you feel. I understand, because, yes, I too have been there. I have BEEN in your shoes. I have cried out at night, because the shame of struggling with porn seemed like too much for my heart to bear. I have spent hours begging the Lord to give me ANY other sin to struggle with. I have wondered constantly if He still hears my prayers. I never asked for this, never imagined I would be caught in the tangled web of lies that comes with porn. Can I really still love the Lord, and does He love me? Why can't I stop this? Will this ever end?

Believe me, I have felt the rage of something fierce flow through me as pastors have stood on stages declaring that "the ladies in the room won't understand what i'm saying, because only men struggle with watching porn." Trust me when I say that it took everything in me not to stand up and scream, "GIRLS STRUGGLE, TOO! Don't you GET it?! The Lord didn't create sex for men only!" How foolish to think we don't.

I was 16 when I first started to struggle with pornography. A friend at the time encouraged me to try it, telling me it was okay, that everyone struggles with it. My heart was broken at this thought, I pleaded with my friend to stop. -- I would like to stop right here and say that if ANYONE is pressuring you into doing something you KNOW is not okay or you are uncomfortable with do not do it. No person will ever be worth your character, integrity, and, ultimately, your relationship with your Heavenly Father. You deserve to be treated better than that. -- Over time I grew weak and gave into the curiosity of my heart. Long story short, it took a long time for my heart to experience freedom and even longer to lose the feelings of bitterness, pure hatred, and total unforgiveness towards this friend I had at the time. If anything, and I understand that this is hard, I would encourage you to think about how your choices now are effecting you future. I remember sitting down and sobbing with my current boyfriend as we talked about what I have, and sometime still, struggled with.

Girls. My heart aches for you. My souls longs for you to know that someone understands you, and that what you struggle with does NOT, in any way, diminish your worth in Christ Jesus your Maker. I need you to believe that what you are going through IS conquerable, solely because, Christ has already conquered the grave. Scripture never said we wouldn't sin; however, according to 1st Corinthians 15:54 does say that, "Death has been swallowed up in victory." Wow. We already know who wins. Thank you Jesus.

I truly believe that the devil uses fear to keep us quiet, to keep us struggling silently while the rest of the world seems to overlook those slowly drowning in sin and shame. So let's talk about it. John 1:5 tells us that "darkness can not overcome the light," so tell someone. Precious friends, do not buy into the lie that you are alone in this struggle. I did, and it cost me so much joy. You are never alone.

Like I said before, it took me a long time to be okay with the fact that I had to walk down this road of brokenness and shame, I absolutely hated it; however, I am thankful that I now have the ability to "boast in my weakness" for Christ's glory and help other girls who feel alone in this struggle. Be strong - you never know how encouraging your story of brokenness will one day encourage someone else.

Lastly, I think it is important for you to hear that, in the right context, sex is good. Porn not only distorts the true picture of love, but also strips God of all the glory He deserves. God created sex to glorify Himself and bring together two people that they might experience Him more intimately.

** If you do struggle with pornography I would encourage you to seek Godly counsel. I know you have been hurt before, people you've trusted betrayed you; but, please try to trust again. You never know who will understand you until after you share your heart. If you truly desire and are willing to work to overcome this struggle, believe me when I say that it will be so much easier with people standing beside you than if you try to do it alone.**

Truly,
Nicole Renee

To All the College Kids

It's July 16th. I am sitting in a cozy living room in Woodstock, Georgia. The sound of Mario Cart and little children's laughter has been floating through my parent's cool home for quite some time now. I'm sipping on lightly sweetened iced coffee with soy milk. I am truly at peace for the first time in a long time.

For the past year of my life I have been pulled in a million different directions. As a college student approaching my Junior year life has been nothing but a rush of "what's next?" I think one of the hardest parts of being in college is the endless amount of questions that seem to drown out all sense and fill the soul with fear. 

- - - Lord, what do you want from me? What does my future look like? What is my purpose? Am I truly living for you? Why do I feel this way? Jesus, is he the man you have for me? - - -

The only issue I have found with these questions is that my mind does not rest there. I cannot help but press on further and further asking:

- - - What is wrong with me? Am I enough? Why am I experiencing so much stress and anxiety?  Do you really have a plan for my future? Have you abandoned me? Are you really a good Father? Jesus, are you even there? - - -

It didn't occur to me until this past week over a mission trip to Florida, that I have been living in the midst of this entangled web of questions and lies. I am a firm believer that it is good to question, it is good to doubt and wrestle with the concerns in your heart; but living, setting up camp, in this place of darkness is a very scary thing to do. You see, my heart has always been full of much joy. My Savior captured my heart at a young age, and I have been set free from the sin and shame that this world so prettily packages. However, since I have been in college I have done nothing but wonder why in the world I am experiencing so much confusion and fear. While everyone around me seems like their lives are right on track, I feel as if I've been walking for miles and miles only to find that, this whole time, I've been walking in circles. College was supposed to be a time where I found myself, why in the world does it feel like I experienced more growth and satisfaction in who I am in high school? Am I doing something wrong?

If you feel like this, I want to let you in on a secret, the answer is no. You are not doing anything wrong.

Like I stated earlier, this past week I went on a mission trip to Plant City, Florida. It was a 5th & 6th grade trip, and I was a leader. The entire week I was truly and honestly intentional with asking the Lord, "Lord, why am I here?" Throughout my time there, Jesus revealed to me that He delights in me. He is not worried about my questions, He is bigger than my fears. He showed me that the place of darkness that I have been living in was never intended to be my home. It wasn't He who abandoned me in what felt like the "valley of the shadow of death;" instead, it was I who insisted on dwelling there for so long.

The amazing thing about Jesus is that even when we choose our own path, He is faithful to "never leave or forsake us" (Duet. 31:6). When you are on the other side of destruction it is easy to look back and see the little rays of hope scattered throughout the wreckage. I pray that the Lord will teach me how to see hope in the midst of destruction. I pray that in the middle of every storm my eyes would be fixed on Jesus, in order that I might never again forget that He has called me to more than myself. 

1st Peter 2:9 says this, "you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light."

How amazing. How life-changing. Jesus doesn't leave us in darkness; He himself  literally calls us out of it.

Please do not hear me saying that what you are personally walking through is not hard and does not matter. I am not trying to make light of doubt, fear, broken-heartedness, or any other painful life situations. But please, PLEASE, do not believe that anyone of these places are where the Lord intends for us to reside.

So continue to question, continue to ask the Lord to reveal to you His purpose, but do NOT for even a second forget that He is faithful and true. The Scriptures continuously tell us to "knock, seek, call" upon His name. He is committed to us, we must not forget to daily commit to Him.

If you are a college student reading this post, know that you are NOT crazy, life is confusing, and you couldn't have begun to imagine just how emotionally hard college would be until you were thrown into the middle of it and told to keep up. Whether or not you think so, you are doing very well, and you are both precious and so loved by our Maker,

One last thing I must ask of you is to stop comparing yourself to those around you. My sweet mother always says, "where comparison starts contentment ends," and she is right. You have been called to live a completely different life than any other. And that is a great call, indeed.

Truly,
Nicole Renee

A Reason for the Hope That is in Me

When I was six years old my sister, Jamie, planned to be baptized. On the day of her baptism both her and my parents were filled with such a joy, that I decided I would one day have the same joy she had found. What I did not know at the time was that her joy had come from Christ.. It did not come from any decision she had made, but from the process of softening her heart to the sweet call of Jesus Christ.
I have grown up in a Christian home all my life. 'Jesus Loves Me' and 'This Little Light of Mine' were two of my favorite songs. After Jamie was baptized I chose to be just like my sweet older sister, and I gave my life to Christ as she had. I have always known who Jesus is and what He has done for me, but even after I was baptized Jesus was still only an incredible man in my mind. I did not yet realize that Jesus in my head is completely different than Jesus in my heart, and I did not see that knowing what He did and knowing Him personally are not the same concepts. Because I had not fully understood this truth I did not desire to remain fully in Him; therefore, I was not producing the fruit of the Gospel of Christ talked about in John 15. Instead, I was unknowingly clinging to people for acceptance, as I was desiring to feel liked and be noticed by everyone.. Especially guys. The reality of how far away my heart truly was from Christ hit me the summer before my freshman year over a mission trip to Dallas, Texas. I spent the whole trip trying to gain myself followers forgetting that the whole point of the trip was to gain Christ followers and to share His light not my own. John 8:54 says, "If I glorify myself, my glory means nothing!" That is exactly what I was doing. I was glorifying myself, and because of that, the glory I was gaining did not cut it. As the Lord started to teach me the truth of this verse He opened my eyes to the fact that the light inside of me is not my light at all, but HIS! And it was placed in me by God himself! Why? So that I can use it to further HIS kingdom and bring HIM all the glory. To my surprise, I began to realize that this life is not about me at all! I started to see that if I hold on to people or things and expect them to satisfy me the foundation I am building my life upon is going to crash and burn. The Lord saved me from falling too far down into the pit that I was digging myself, and He showed me that no depth is to deep for Him to step in and do incredible things.
My God began a work in me on July 14th, 2010, and I am confident that He is going to carry it out to completion until the Day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6). Since that day I have been stretched, broken, shattered. I have fallen on my face before the Lord countless times, confused, ashamed, awe filled! But even more so, since that day I have been set free! Free from the bondage of myself! I no longer feel the need to be accepted by people, because my hope is found in the Lord! And His hope is so much greater than any earthly thing or person could ever guarantee. Instead of worrying about where I am going to end up and with whom I now have peace about my future, and on top of that I have peace about my past! I have been given joy in every circumstance, and I have been filled with the eternal satisfaction that my God gives freely! Because of all of these amazing, life changing things, I am no longer a slave to sin.. My gaze is locked on Christ Jesus, for He saved me from myself and this messed up world. Ever since that day my heart's one true desire is to bring Him all the glory from now until the day He calls me home! All glory to God who finds, forgives, and frees!